Dead Queens Don't Bite
by Castigat Ridendo Mores
Summary: When Hatter is abducted by the Red Queen, Alice must go back to Underland for the third time. Uses canon from the Tim Burton Movie as well as the original AIW books. Rated M because questionable things will surely happen. Please review. Hatter/Alice.


**Title**: Dead Queens Don't Bite  
**Author**: Castigat Ridendo Mores  
**Fandom**: Alice in Wonderland; uses a lot of canon from the Tim Burton film in addition to the original novels. Alice is 19 in this version like the movie.  
**Author's Note**: So, it's never been any secret that I love AIW. Or more specifically, the pairing of Hatter/Alice. Loved the story since I was a wee lass, and of course there's a marvelous song called Sherry Fraser by the band Marcy Playground that goes "The mad hatter he waits for Alice / To come to tea again / He waits forever for his old lover" that only cements my liking. I've written a score of poems for AIW, but this is my first attempt at something a bit longer. Do tell me how you feel about it in a review at the end.

Also, I imagine in my own head a lot of people like the Cheshire Cat, March Hare, etcetera to be mostly human with some animal features. So they can walk and things.

**Song: **"The Lobster Quadrille" by: They Might Be Giants. Which is a quite eerie song.

* * *

*--*--*

--*--*-

Alice pulled herself out of the rabbithole and unlike a proper young darling would, she did not recall to brush off her skirt.

Instead she stood and gazed down at the Ascot's manor. She could still see the engagement party guests on the lawn; the women in their bright and pastel coloured gowns with a few spots of dark material here and there for the men. Though many days had certainly passed in Underland, not a second seemed to have gone by here above ground (Alice gathered that her rather abrupt exit wasn't likely to make guests want to wait around for days, hoping that she'd return).

And even though something nagged at her, she hastened down the hill towards the grounds again. It wasn't very polite to keep people waiting even if they weren't politely waiting for you to be engaged, you know. Alice may not be a proper lady, but she did know her simple manners. With this in mind, she headed back to the manor, dreadful step by dreadful step.

Like she had surmised, the crowd in front of the gazebo were still as aghast and bodily present as they had been before her travels in Underland. Hamish was still on bended knee under the gazebo, and the painter still touching some strokes on his canvas. 'Curiouser and curiouser; Wonderland must have some different time currents than here,' she thought. 'That seems right too; everything is so dull here that it seems to stretch on forever. In Underland things were constantly happening, and all so fast.'

"Alice, you came back," called Hamish, smiling smugly. She could envision him rubbing his hands together with satisfaction, and decided that he was even more vile than she had purported previously.

"You see everyone? Alice has consented to become my wife!" Hamish went on, gripping her hand with his and standing. He didn't give her the chance to refute such a claim and she felt so awfully angry and cowed all at once with so many expectant eyes upon her.

At the front of the crowd she could see her mother beaming, and her sister Margaret led the clapping that started up among the guests. Only Lowell seemed to be any different, mocking her with his expression. He probably thought these turn of events were pretty funny, and that she'd be too miserable to tell Margaret about his philandering if he chose to continue down that path. It was not so. Alice would stay true to that promise, to keep a close watch on him.

Alice was not pleased with the goings-on above ground. Everyone wanted too much from her, and never asked her her opinion on things.

When in doubt, silence would serve indeed. Oh, whatever was she getting herself into?

After the pseudo-engagement, there had been a call for more dancing. She was obligated to dance with her un-fiancé now, and it was about as pleasant as it had been Before all of this wedding nonsense. Hamish did smile at other ladies in his vile way, and twirl her on time, but grew angry at her when she tried to amuse herself by day-dreaming in between dance steps. Indeed, it was not that Alice disliked dancing by principle, more of just who her dancing partner was.

With a jolt of recognition, her brain conjured up an image of Hatter dancing the futterwack after the victory on Frabjous day when she had defeated the Jabberwocky.

She had been told he was the supreme dancer of futterwack, and though it was not a dance Alice knew very much about, she did concede that it had been delightful to witness. He must be a very fine dancer in all respects. Too sad then she had to dance with simple Hamish. She missed such menial things as that.

Nay, she missed almost everything she had left behind to return to Above-Ground-Land.

The Hatter's company that had been so dear to her, almost like having a best friend that one could count on, but even more than that. Alice did not know what to call their rapport exactly, but it was something she was finding it increasingly harder to be without.

Why she even missed the overzealous Dormouse, the contradictory Tweedles, the March Hare with his habit of throwing everything within reach! The White Queen and her ethereal court; Bayard the bloodhound and his pups! How would they be faring without her, if indeed that was all a figment of her imagination? But it didn't seem that way. Underland, or Wonderland as she had called it at age six, seemed tantalizingly and heartrendingly real, and she missed all of it.

"Alice, pay attention!" Hamish hissed in her ear, "you just missed a step and you decided to tread right on my foot!"

"Oh, beg your pardon, Hamish," she replied airily (though she was not at all sad for this misstep).

The dance went on for another hour or two until the sky became a cool, inky midnight blue, and it was declared time to retire for the night. The one thing Alice was grateful for is that she had not been hurried into marrying him that day also, to where she should have to share a room with Hamish. She would probably have a hard enough time sleeping, given her propensity for having unsettling dreams.

She first downed a draught that was supposed to settle her for sleep; it was one that her mother had long given her (and one that only seemed to work a third of the time). Then it was time to put on her nightgown and climb into bed. When she tried to count sheep however, it was to no avail. Her mind seemed to wander off to so many places to where she could not hope to sleep at all.

Laying beneath the sheets, she contemplated her future.

It was now assured that like it or not, she should have to marry Hamish or risk any sort of place in society. Alice didn't care much about society, but her mother and sister did, and if Alice did unwell, it would reflect on them like an unfriendly mirror. If she married him, everything would be well again for the Kingsleigh family even after the death of their patriarch, Alice's father several years past.

She should have to have several Ascot grandchildren for the lord and lady, and somehow be expected to bring them up like a proper mother though she despised their father. And she would have to entertain at all the social functions and be a perfect hostess. No more daydreaming during dances or any sort of "nonsense" as Hamish and Lady Ascot would deem it.

'No nonsense means no fun at all,' she realised.

If this was what it meant to be an adult, Alice wanted no part of it. She should rather face the Jabberwocky a thousand times more than ever become the next prim and depressed Lady Ascot.

She needed to get away.

And didn't she have a place that was all her own, one where no one from this world could go?

Yes. Underland was calling to her very soul now, and how rude it should be not to answer a summons so imperious!

Alice flew out of bed and into the closet, finding her favourite dress and putting it on in a hurry. Soon she should be having tea with Hatter, the March Hare, and Dormouse! Visiting the White Queen and the now docile Bandesnatch! Oh she should not care what she did at all, so long as she was back in her most happiest of places. Above-ground was not the world for her, and she wished she had realized that before she ever left Underland.

Hatter had hoped she would stay, she saw it in those violently green eyes of his, but she had gone anyway.

For her mother and sister's sake, she assured herself. Alice had not wanted to be selfish after all, but it was clear that this family of hers did not mind her enough to stop this detestable marriage. Perhaps sometimes a little selfishness was called for, while in the pursuit of total happiness.

The White Queen would be happy to have her back, she had said it was _Alice's_ choice where she had rather be.

Alice smiled for once as she buckled her shoes. She allowed herself to dream up their reaction to her coming back as she snuck outside through the patio door. The stars outside were beautiful, but not so much for her to stay. She took off towards the forest, running at a very unladylike pace while she held up her skirt. The rabbithole was just up the hill from here, beneath an old hollowed-out tree. She remembered it clearly; just a bit further now.

--*--*-

*--*--*

Already in Underland a twelvemonth had passed when barely an hour flew by on Earth. It would be quite scholarly to examine the ratio of how much time on earth accounts for time in Underland, but alas that is not the purpose of this tale. No in fact we must turn our face to logic and instead delve into a world where things are once again, falling apart rapidly.

The Red Queen and the Knave of Hearts were sent into exile with the best of pacifist intentions, but for the past twelve months there has been havoc wreaked by a certain individual with a head larger than a patch of watermelons and a royal lust for blood. That is to say, the Red Queen has escaped from exile and has been doing her mischief.

The White Queen's chess soldiers so far had not apprehended her.

She didn't stay long enough at any one murder scene for the neighbours to come calling. Murderers have their own form of etiquette, and such lingerings are only suitable in the dark of night at the gravestone of their victim (even Above-Ground, though there police should have a microphone by the grave to identify the killer with in such cases). One could always tell when it was her though by the absence of the victim's head and the rather blunt emblem of a heart carved out of their torso.

It is not clear what she did with all these loose heads, but one must concede it would grow rather tiresome to carry so many for too long, as heads do tend to be heavy; light-headed is more of a state of being than an actual truth, after all.

It was concluded she disposed of them in some matter, and yet how was unclear. This question did hinder the investigation for the longest time--about three months--for the Underland justice force would not and could not agree on the manner of disposal though it was a trivial matter within the case.

The occurrence that jolted them out of this deadlock was of course, the sudden, unexplained disappearance of the Mad Hatter.

At first this was not so concerning, as mad men do occasionally like to wander away from the tea table on a golden afternoon or two.

However when tea-time came and went the following day, the alarums were sounded. The premises of the March Hare's house were searched (as that was where the tea party was generally held) and all that was found was grim indeed. Unlike some mysteries which are left to keen detection to solve, this one came with an immediate clue.

Stuffed rather ironically in the cabinet section of a broken grandfather clock was our dear White Rabbit, who was lucky enough to keep his head, but not his life. Little droplets of blood stained his whitest-of-white rabbit's pelt, and in his paws was clasped a letter which was the aforementioned clue. The declaration was given over to the Caterpillar to read as the on-duty magistrate, and his raspy voice, made so by smoking ever so much hookah, revealed the clue left for them to decipher.

_I have stolen away_

_someone who you come to find to-day_

_someone who couldn't stay_

_not if I'm to have my way._

_~-~-~  
_

_I'll presume you know him_

_as Hatter, and Mad at that_

_But I've taken him and his precious hat far away_

_and I won't give him back_

_until I see that wretched Alice _

_has come again to Underland._

"That wretched Alice has come back?" queried the lory. "Whatever does Queenie mean by that? She can't be talking of anyone I know, or have claimed to have known, unless of course this were many years before and she was talking about The Child. Now though I am curious as to what she could be going on about."

"My dear lory, has your head been in the sand this last twelvemonth? Don't you recall the events of Frabjous Day? The reason Queenie was indeed banished in the first place, that is before she escaped. The Knave of Hearts is even still chained to a rock in no man's land because she left him there when she got free." spake the Caterpillar. "It was Alice that did all that you know, and she is much older now, a woman. This is obviously who the Queen speaks of."

"Oh well," flustered the lory, puffing himself up to look more grand than he did now, "then it is _that _Alice."

"Precisely," chimed in Gryphon. "The girl must be brought back."

"I beg to differ," Caterpillar cut in, "If Alice is turned over to the Red Queen, who knows what shall happen to Underland then? She was our champion and the only one suited for such a job. Who will stand up to Queenie's tyranny then if we allow this exchange of Alice for our abductee?"

*--*--*

--*--*-

Standing outside of the window, the March Hare heard the justice force's musings with perfect clarity. But he had no wish to reveal himself to them, the bumbling fools like Lory and Gryphon. Asking him their questions about Hatter's disappearance wouldn't solve anything. He only knew, like them, that it had been the Red Queen who had abducted Hatter. He had no idea where she should take him post-abduction.

So really, what could he contribute but a grim account of how he hid, shaking, under the tea table as the madwoman slaughtered Dormouse--whose body had not yet been discovered in the teapot---and White Rabbit? Of how Hatter had tried to fight her before she had conked him over the head with her weapon and dragged him from the house?

No. This would not help anything. March Hare had different plans in mind.

He needed to pay a visit to someone rather controversial.

March Hare stashed White Rabbit's lifted pocket-watch in a bag at his side. His fellow wouldn't be needing it any more, at least that much was certain.

*--*--*

--*--*-

The borderlands were an unforgiving, unlovely place. This made them perfect for exile, as no good prisoner could possibly enjoy it out here. No, the prisoners were chained like Andromeda to the various tall rocks out here; they were left to suffer the desert like atmosphere. They grew weak and tired every day, but were kept alive by warrens whose duty it was to feed and water them enough that they would not perish from starving or dehydration.

March hurried along, passing by some of the others. The warren would come at sundown, and that was nearly upon him. He didn't want to be seen to be breaking out any prisoners, or he might just become one himself. No, he did not want that sort of trouble.

The person he wanted was strapped to a rock off away from the others, to the east. The purpose of this location was to ensure no others could talk to him or show him kindness, as the White Queen had dictated on Frabjous Day. The sun glinted off the leather and armor he had worn ever since his imprisonment, and his head was bowed, absolute silence surrounding him like a haze.

The Knave of Hearts looked rather defeated.

"You must have great patience, Stayne, to be so quiet for a twelvemonth. Are you retaining your sanity quite well?" March called as he approached the man. The Knave's steely-gray eyes looked upon him for once, and he chuckled dryly.

"You learn to be patient you live so long with a woman always lopping off others' heads," he added simply. "As for my sanity, I cannot say much."

"Ah yes, I suppose you would. Of course she is back to that old habit now that she's free." March produced a key from the bag, and started to fiddle it around in the lock on the Knave's chains. Stayne watched him with very little expression of outward gratitude.

"The Mad Hatter is missing," March Hare explained as he freed him.

Stayne bent down to rub at his ankles, which had been one of the weak points of staying in one place for a whole year. "You don't say? And why would she kidnap him?"

"She wants Alice."

He stood after a fashion, and added to the conversation, "I'm sure she does, March. And I really am very glad to be free again. In fact I'd love to stay free, if you don't mind." His smile curved into a sinister one, showing off the scars on his face with grim flourish. Not even a second later he revealed the tiny dagger stashed in his overlarge palm, and brought it down into the March Hare's chest, the blade piercing his torso as easy as if it were fleshy Playdough.

The Hare looked down as if he could not believe the injury, and Stayne said casually, "We Knaves never go unprepared, whether it's a proper sword or just a dagger hidden in our boot."

"Fool!" spat the March Hare, as he fell. "We'll all die for your foolishness! You must tell Alice that Hatter is missing! You will earn your freedom that way!"

He considered the dying words for a moment, and then lost his composure completely.

Stayne's face paled as he realized that out of his madness he had just stabbed the one who would free him. He had been out here in the heat for far too long, too long under the influence of his mad, bloody queen.

"What else, March, tell me!" he commanded suddenly, tugging at March's jacket, now stained with crimson blood.

"Keep...Alice...safe. If we lose her, who know what will happen," March said with apparent difficulty. Gasping for air, his eyes suddenly darkened and lost their spark. He spoke no more, and Stayne had no doubt that the hare's life was through.

His fault. But he was free, for now. He would not stay so forever under this rule. He needed to redeem himself through some act, and that the March Hare had spoken of seemed the only course.

If he kept Alice safe, then that was all there is to it. He could beg pardon of the White Queen, and he had no doubt she would grant him it to be rid of her malevolent sister the Red Queen once and for all. All without breaking her own vow of never hurting a living creature. Perfection.

Stayne picked up his dagger and re-stowed it in the pocket of his boot. Examining the bag March had brought along, he found a little food and the golden pocket-watch that he recognised as having been the White Rabbit's. The man would have never given it up, March must have wrested it from his cold, dead hands before he had given it up. 'Rather like I'm doing now,' Stayne thought distastefully.

But this was necessary. To go Above-Ground you either needed the pocket-watch on your person or some Jabberwocky blood. As the latter was now completely dead, the pocket-watch was the only remaining option.

It was time to go fetch Alice.

*--*--*

--*--*-

Alice had run all the way up the forest hill and was upon the site where she had fallen down the rabbit hole before, but it had appeared to vanish. The hollowed tree still stood over the spot where it had been, but there was no longer any hole to tumble into.

Upon this dreadful realisation she had plopped herself down on the nearest boulder, thinking she'd quite like to have a cry.

The moon shined down on her above but it was not a beautiful enough sight to comfort a girl whose hope had suddenly been snatched out from under her. Was she now resigned to the horrid post of future Lady Ascot? Oh she did not want that, she did not care for it at all. Hamish and his delicate digestion, all that was going to be expected of her.

'People should only expect as much out of others as they expect from themselves,' thought Alice miserably. 'The world would be much more even then.'

Worse than her fate however was going to be never seeing her friends again. The only real friends she had ever had, once she got to thinking about it. It was quite sad that the friends that were probably her imagination were the only true ones.

And she should never see Hatter's eyes light up when she talked to him about his work again, or never hear his riddles and odd compliments. He did seem to compliment me often, he must have thought highly of me then,' she added. 'Then again, I was a better sort of Alice in Underland than I am here. I probably deserved his praise then. How glad I am that he at least can't see me here, tearing up as if I'm beaten!'

"Oh, is my crying really so bad that the ground beneath me quakes?" she said aloud as the sod beneath her feet began to tremble. She wiped the tears from her eyes to see better, and summarily her mouth formed a gaping O.

In front of her the tree was opening itself up like a wardrobe, and out of the tree stepped a figure attired all in black garb with just slight touches of red. He was tall, lanky, and awkwardly proportioned, with an eye-patch and a gruesome scar extending from forehead to cheek. Alice couldn't have forgotten him; here in front of her (Above-Ground no less!) stood the Knave of Hearts somehow unchained, free!

"Hello again, Alice. It's good to see I wouldn't have to look very far for you."

"How did _you_ get _here_?" Alice wondered aloud, not sure if she should be running or not. He wasn't charging her, so she tried to considered it a benign visit.

Stayne pulled the golden pocket-watch out and showed it to her.

"But that's White Rabbit's watch, how did you get it from him?"

"I took it from March Hare who took it when Rabbit died. A whole year has passed since your leaving, and things are once again, troubling in Underland. That's why we need you back Alice, even I need you back, and look at me---we used to be on opposite sides. The Red Queen escaped exile and is committing all sorts of villainy throughout the realm. It won't be long before she tries to reclaim the throne, and well she isn't very happy with me since I tried to kill her on Frabjous Day, as one might expect."

"I wasn't too happy with you trying to get me executed either," Alice chimed. "Why should I trust you?"

"Because you should, and that's all there is to it. We have pressing matters to attend to, and though you are the Wonderland Champion, it would be a fool's delusion to think you might not need any help. That is what I am here for. I still am the Knave after all, and I can fight better than the average enemy. Furthermore, most of your previous allies are well... not able to help you in their current condition. They're dead."

Alice's stomach suddenly felt like it had plunged right out of her body. Fear crept into her heart. "_All of them?"_

"All but one. That was my initial reason for fetching you. It would be helpful if we could get him back. The Red Queen had abducted the Mad Hatter, and he's a very capable fighter. I should know, I did fight him on Frabjous Day. It would be a true boon if we could deliver him back onto our side."

"Do you even know where Hatter would be?"

"That's for you and me to find out together. Please do hurry along Alice if you mean to come, we haven't really time to sit here and argue about it. Follow me or stay here and do nothing. Those are your options," Stayne said, irritation tempering his tone. He gestured at the portal from whence he'd come.

Alice quickly nodded and stood. She couldn't stand the thought of any harm coming to her dear Hatter, and if Underland needed her, who was she to say no?

They stood inside the tree, and the bark began to shut them up inside like something out of an old myth.

"Out of curiousity though, why wasn't the rabbithole opened?" Alice wondered.

"Well, I'm not a rabbit, am I?" Stayne explained.

Alice was about to answer that when the familiar feeling of falling started up, and her feet were suddenly touching nothing but air. The Knave grabbed her hands in his so that they should not be separated somehow in the fall, and away they went.

Everything was beginning again, but wholly different than her other trips.

This time was personal.

*--*--*

--*--*-

**Review?**


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